Baysian improbability

Here’s my satirical response to this news.

Michael Bay to reboot Batman

Fans of the Batman film trilogy by director Christopher Nolan may be relieved to know that Nolan’s upcoming finale ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ will not be the last Batman film they will ever see. Producer and director Michael Bay recently announced his plans to produce a new Batman film, tentatively set for a December 2013 release. Speaking at the Nickelodeon Upfront in New York, Bay promised Batman fans that his take on the Caped Crusader will live up to the high standards set by Nolan.

“Chris brought a gritty realism and darkness to the Batman story, and I intend to preserve that,” Bay said.

But then the ‘Transformers’ director dropped a bombshell: he would be changing the Dark Knight’s origins.

“In my film, Batman, that’s Bruce Wayne, is going to be an alien,” he said, “And he’s going to have really cool superpowers that aid him in his crime-fighting.”

"I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien..."

  

Bay will also apply his poetic license to Bruce Wayne’s life-defining moment: witnessing the murder of his parents by a mugger. In Bay’s reboot, the alien Wayne sees his home planet destroyed by an intergalactic criminal organisation of giant transforming robots, leaving him its sole survivor. Bay stated that his version of the Batman mythos “will lend more credibility to Batman’s psychopathic obsession with fighting crime.”

“It’s not just his parents that get killed, but his entire race. Now that kind of loss would be far more traumatic than just having your parents killed. Lots of people have had their parents killed by criminals. But they don’t go running around in batsuits beating up bad guys, do they?”

And Bay’s reason for giving Batman superpowers?

“Because I fucking can.”

Needless to say, fans are not happy with Bay for changing the origins and very nature of DC Comics’ most commercially successful character. The public outcry has prompted Bay to issue this response on his official website:

“Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Batman to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”

Considering that both Batman creators Bob Kane and Bill Finger are deceased, Bay may have recruited John Edward to join the production team.

Bay also mentioned plans to make a live-action Care Bears movie, based on the plush toys and animated TV series popular during the 1980s. “It’s still in the conceptual stage, so not a lot is certain just yet,” he said, “but one thing’s for sure – these Care Bears are going to be aliens.”

21.3.12

Preconceptualist patriarchialism and semiotic narrative

1. Capitalist subcultural theory and capitalist deappropriation


“Sexual identity is fundamentally responsible for capitalism,” says Bataille; however, according to la Fournier, it is not so much sexual identity that is fundamentally responsible for capitalism, but rather the failure of sexual identity. Semiotic narrative implies that narrative is a product of communication, but only if Sontag’s analysis of capitalist deappropriation is invalid; if that is not the case, language may be used to entrench the status quo.

Cartoon kid porn: evil pedophilia or victimless crime?

Earlier this month, the Arkansas Supreme Court sentenced thirty-five year old John McEwen to two years jail for the crime of possessing images depicting cartoon children engaged in sexual acts. McEwen’s sentencing sparked an internet protest movement, with supporters calling the sentence ‘draconian’ and demanding that it be repealed. Peter van Bruen, a civil rights lawyer and one of the founders of the movement, is here today to explain why he and many others oppose the Supreme Court’s verdict.

Good morning, Mr van Bruen.

Good morning.

Something that gave me a good laugh

A man walks into a pub in Vladivostok and orders a black coffee. Suddenly, a gorilla bursts in, grabs the coffee, washes his balls in it and storms out. Quite shocked, the man asks the waiter: 'Mister, do you know why gorilla wash balls in my coffee?' The waiter can't answer, so the man demands to see the manager who has no explanation either, but tells him to talk to the band playing the joint as they have experience in such matters. So the man asks the band-leader: 'Mister, do you know why gorilla wash balls in my coffee?' 'No,' the musician responds, 'but if you hum a few bars, I'm sure we can play it.'




[As recounted by Jan Verwoert in 'frieze' magazine, who was told the joke by Boris Ondreicka. Verwoert wrote "It changed my life."]

Khem

You are bleeding.
…I was attacked, on my way up here. But I fought them off.
How many of them were there?
Three. No, four, but the fourth one just hung back. He looked no more than a boy.
Three attackers? Either you are stronger than you look, or they were particularly averse to pain.
Are you Khem?
I am Khem.
You… don’t speak like your countrymen. Certainly don’t sound like the man I was told I would find up here.
Hah! Do not let my appearance fool you. I may look like one of your Western caricatures of the exotic Other, the brownskin who summons spirits and believes in supernatural powers, in beneficent gods and malicious demons. I am not that.
I was told that you're a master of the fighting arts. That’s all that matters to me.
The fighting arts? Then you heard wrong. I know nothing of the fighting arts. But if it is the fighting sciences you care to learn, now that I know a little of.
Are you playing word games now? Is this one of your tests?
I do not play games, young man. I meant precisely what I said. If you want to learn how to harness your ‘chi’, or build up your ‘fighting spirit’, or execute the ‘death touch’, or any other such esoteric excrement, there is a fair glut of ‘masters’ of such nonsense who are only too keen to poison your mind so that they may maintain the illusion of being possessors of rarified knowledge.
I… I don’t quite follow you. So you don’t believe in ‘chi’?
I do not believe in anything that is not supported by evidence. I do not believe in ‘chi’, I believe in neuropsychology. I do not believe in ‘martial art traditions’, I believe in anatomy and biomechanics. I do not believe in the supernatural, I believe in the empirical laws of the universe. The laws of physics. Of biology. Of all that is measurable, quantifiable and reproducible. Are you following me now?
Yes... Yes, I am.
Good, you show promise. If you wish to learn the science of combat, I will teach you how to apply the principles of biomechanics and physics to break an opponent’s limbs in thirteen different ways. I will show you how to read his thoughts through his body language. I will instruct you in human physiology, how to manipulate, damage and even repair the human body. I will introduce you to psychological techniques that can be used to increase your fighting ability while decreasing your opponent’s. I will demonstrate how you can leverage biological facts to your advantage when facing a larger enemy, or when fighting in a hostile environment. You will learn the chemical properties of blood, sweat and tears, and not just shed them in a tired cliché. If all this is what you wish to learn, then I shall teach you.
I want to learn everything you care to teach me. Everything.
You are a hungry animal, who has been stalking after knowledge for some time now, all for a specific purpose. Am I correct?
…You're correct.
You will learn that the skills you seek need not be paranormal in order for them to serve your purpose. And that a rational mind is your most powerful weapon. What is your name?
My parents named me Bruce.
And your parents, they are dead?
…Yes.
You wonder how I know this, yet you wear your grief like a black cloak. You think to avenge them, yes? That is why you are here, to learn how to punish their killers.
I’m here to learn how to protect others from people like my parents’ killer. To make sure that what happened to me doesn’t happen to another chil- …another person.
Hah! How generous of you, Bruce. You think to transmogrify your personal tragedy into a righteous one-man crusade against the forces of darkness.
Will you teach me or not?
I will teach you, but not with that name you carry. If you are to become my student, you will die to your past. Though I cannot force you to forget the life you had up until this moment, you will not bear any mark from that time while you are here. Not even the name your parents gave you.
Then why did you ask for my name in the first place?
I was curious. You... intrigue me.
Whatever. I don’t care.
Yet you must have a name. I cannot just call you ‘boy’ now, can I? It may not grate on your pride, but it would on mine.
Then what do you propose to call me?
Hmmm… your grief shall name you. So long as you are my student, you are Karam.
…Karam?
Yes, for you have black wings. Now, let me see to your wounds.




6.6.09

An expensive hand-shovel

Professor, what a surprise! I didn’t think you were the type to visit these ‘bobo’ haunts.

Only when I wish to be benignly scammed into paying three times the price for a deliberately distressed dresser.

One litre of tears

Hey Leena, just writing to share something with you.

Have you heard of a Japanese drama series called 'One Litre of Tears'? It's a TV series based on a true story, about a 15 year old girl, Aya Kito, who was diagnosed with a disease called 'spinocerebellar ataxia'. Basically, it's a disease where the cerebellum degenerates over time (how fast this occurs varies between different people), causing sufferers to gradually lose control over their muscles and ability to speak, eventually requiring a wheelchair to move around and finally being bedridden. The cruel thing is, their intellect is unaffected, so sufferers of this disease are aware of how helpless they are becoming as time goes on. They literally become trapped in a prison that is their body.

Interview with L C Land

Firstly, thank you for doing this interview at such short notice.

My pleasure. Thank you for taking an interest.

I know you’re on a tight schedule today, so I’ll make this as quick as I can. Your latest novel The Fantastilicious Episode of the Diminishing Error tackles the philosophical idea of mind-body dualism. Do you subscribe to dualism?

Absolutely not, and the novel is a sort of fiction-as-refutation of the idea largely attributed to the 17th century French philosopher Rene Descartes, although dualism's origins are much older. Without wading into a pool of metaphysical jargon, this story sets out to counter the rather persistent belief in a disembodied soul or self that is independent of, or only tenuously connected to, the body.

So what is the story about?

Without giving away too much, the heroes are a young brother and sister whose parents, a scientist and an engineer, are charged with treason and sentenced to hard labour for life by a repressive theocracy that preaches dualism as a means of controlling the populace. But our irrepressible heroes meet some unlikely allies in their quest to find and rescue their parents.

An epistle from the shardani Lo'Quai to her friend Ja'Arkan

My dear Ja’Arkan,

I am writing to thank you for the stimulating conversation we had a few days ago. I understand that any doubt I may have planted in you regarding your Memnorite faith will cause you two griefs. Firstly, if there is no Authority, then do concepts like good and evil have any meaning? Secondly, why be good if there is no Authority to reward goodness or punish wickedness?

With the first question, good and evil do have meaning, and their meaning derives from our biological and psychological imperatives. Any act that causes a shardan to flourish, physically and psychologically, can be considered good. And the act that causes suffering and harm can be construed as evil. Nowhere in this definition is there a need for an Authority to give meaning to ‘good’ and ‘evil’ independent of the biological and psychological reasons.

The secret

'Tell me, what’s your secret?'

'What do you mean?' She did not turn to face him. Standing at the floor-to-ceiling glass window, her outward gaze level, she looked like she was addressing her reflection on that flawless surface.