13 September 2012

Guess I’m turning gay this spring

No, it’s not because I’ve suddenly acquired a carnal desire for my fellow penis owners. It’s because I’ve decided to wear more light colours as warmer, sunnier days arrive in these antipodean lands.

How do I know that my sexual reorientation is impending? Certain Malaysian individuals, in their wisdom and magnanimity, have published a set of government-endorsed guidelines describing the “symptoms” of homosexuality, so that concerned parents may identify and correct their offspring’s budding gayness before it fully and irrevocably manifests. These flagrant signs of depravity include having a preference for “tight and light-coloured clothes”. Since I intend to wear comfortably loose light-coloured clothes, does this make me half gay? I’m also not a fan of “V-neck and sleeveless clothes”, so I must be only one-third gay.

Some examples of gay clothing.

Reading further, I am indeed “attracted to women” and certainly like to “hang out, have meals and sleep in the company of women.” Hey, I’m actually a lesbian!

Progressive, liberal Malaysians should respond with a set of guidelines listing the symptoms of regressive homophobic bigots. Some suggestions:

  • Have a muscular prejudice against non-heterosexuality, and like to show their bigotry with ill-conceived guidelines and irresponsible scaremongering.
  • Prefer conformist and ignorant audience for their message.
  • Attracted to policing people’s sexuality; and
  • Like to bring a big sense of moral superiority, similar to that used by ideological extremists, when hanging out.


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